Both things are true at once, which is the part I can't explain to anyone. When she shares good news, there's this half-second flash of something ugly and green before the pride catches up.
It passes in about ten seconds. And I hate myself a little every single time it shows up.
I've never told her. How do you confess a feeling that contradicts itself while it's happening? "I'm so proud of you and also for one second I couldn't breathe." So I just cheer loud enough to drown out the part of me I'm not proud of, and hope the pride keeps winning. It usually does. But it's never a clean win.